A change of heart

Listening to: The General - Dispatch
Feeling: Happy

Hello all!
I have alot to talk about..well maybe not alot..but what I do have to say is really important.
I'll start by saying that I've changed drastically since i last posted anything on here. I mean that in a positive way too.
Things have been really looking up recently.
I've just been in a happy mood all the time; thinking positively; putting on a smile more often; not letting other people effect me.
And most importantly, I've finally accepted being single. I'm over him, and I can finally look at him as just a friend and not "the guy who stole my heart".
It's an awesome feeling.
To not have to have someone be on your mind 24/7 in order to be happy.
I'm finally the source of my own happiness.
It feels good to finally know what happiness feels like...and to know that it's actually out there.
I'm also starting to see more in myself.
I see how much I've grown
How strong I actually am.
I'm not sure how all of this happened, or how long it's going to last. But boy, I hope it lasts.
Just reading over my older posts is just fascinating how I just dont view life like that anymore.
Anyways, I'm done talking.
Now that I feel mentally stable [for now]
I need to be there for someone very close to me to help them through their tough time.

Being unhappy is just like coughing.


Hope everyone had a good thanksgiving.




Embrace Life
Embrace Love
Peace.

100C0

One hundred people are in the room.
She sits in the middle
Around the world.
Within herself
She cries,
She laughs,
She screams,
For you.
Whomever you may be.

She's calling
Because there's one hundred people in the room.
And she has counted them all.
She holds her hand out
But not one hand grasps her own.
She pulls back,
Within herself,
She whispers,
She sings,
She hopes,
For you.
Whomever you may be.

She's looking
Because there's one hundred people in the room.
And she's searching
Within herself
For you.
Whomever you may be.


Because there's one hundred people in the room.
But she sees none.





Embrace Life.
Embrace Love.
Peace.

We Are Golden

Listening to: We are Golden - Mika
Feeling: accomplished

Hello Chickadees. Howdydoo?
I'm pretty good, just finished my history essay.
So I'm rewarding myself with a new blog post [yay]
Nothing depressing to say in this one.
Actually i'm not going to be writing much of a story or anything.
just a list of the 25 things i think you should know about me.
Since it is my blog, i feel like talking about myself :P


25. I eat massive amounts of food with no shame, but surprisingly, I'm an extremely picky eater.
24. I'm 5'3 and I'm okay with that.
23. I like meeting new people though I try to deny it.
22. I like being close to others, but i have trouble doing so.
21. I'm probably the least girliest girl you'll ever meet.
20. No, I've never done drugs, nor do I ever plan on doing drugs. I honestly just have a fascination with them.
19. I'm slowly accepting the way I look.
18. The only thing I'm confident in doing is dancing.
17. I have an unhealthy obsession with Linkin park. No one loves them like I do, i can promise that.
16. I love when people trust me, it makes me feel better about myself.
15. I love being drawn on, it's soothing.
14. A good friend of mine says I can see the beauty in songs so much that it brings tears to my eyes every time...he's right.
13. I love math.
12. I hate partly-erased chalkboards.
11. The only time I'm able to express my feelings is when I'm dancing.
10. I get emotionally attached extremely easily...it's a flaw.
09. I have a big heart..And as much as I'd like to deny it, I love really easily.
08. I have trouble sleeping every night.
07. I used to play the violin...I was pretty amazing at it too.
06. I'm a hypcorite..just like the rest of the world.
05. I'm not politically active, so don't ask me about anything having to do with politics.
04. I can relate to people extremely easily..simply because I've been through a lot.
03. I'm extremely stubborn.
02. I'm extremely hard on myself all the time.
01. I hate being at home a lot of the time.
00. I will never judge you...ever..no matter who you are, where you've been, or what you've done..chances are, I've been there, and done that.



Well folks.
Thats about all the important stuff you need to know about me.
But I'll probably have another one of these sometime soon when I'm as bored as I am now. :]
Farewell for now.







Embrace Life.
Embrace Love.
Peace.

Why do all good things come to an end?

Listening to: Inevitable - Anberlin
Feeling: lost

Hey.
Long time no talk.
I haven't had any real reason to blog for a while, so I haven't.
But today..
Today is different.
September 1st.
Me and my boyfriend broke up.
it was a decision we both [sorta] agreed on.
A part inside me knows it was the right decision since he's off to college now. in a different state.
The other part is fighting my decision. Forcing me to think of all the memories we've shared. How he makes me feel when he's here..how he makes me feel when he's not here..
I hate this internal battle.
I've never felt so alone in my life to be honest.
But its so weird.
Because when i look around me..everything seems a bit more beautiful..a bit more...alive..but I feel like I'm not a part of it..the beauty..and it makes me sad.
I'm beginning to realize everything I have in my life..the friends..the love..how much i really mean to them..it makes me sad to be around them..I want to share their happiness..i don't want to pretend around them.
Everything makes me sad..even the beautiful things bring sorrow. I don't understand..I may sound over dramatic..but this is how i feel.

I don't like how I'm handling this. periodically I'll suddenly get a reassuring feeling that I'll be just fine..I have a new found freedom that I didn't have for the past 15 months. But for the most part..I feel like I've made a mistake..that I should have fought the decision. Make him believe that our love is bigger than the distance that we're apart. But it's already done. I can't take it back. And i'm sure he wanted this. If it makes him happy..
I'll get over this..I have no choice. I knew this day would come..but i believed i could be stronger than this.
I've never felt so weak..so dependent. I hate it..

I can only move forward..if my heart allows me to.



Embrace life.
Embrace love.
Peace.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

My Babies<3

Listening to: Nothing
Feeling: Happy

Hey, long time no..read..i guess.
I'm actually really happy.
Big changeup from my usual mood when i post things on this blog.
But this post isn't about me...at least this next paragraph isnt.
this post is about the class of '09..at least the people i know from that class.
today was their graduation.
And it was definately the best graduation i've been too yet.
They really are a special class, and I will miss them all tremendously.
I met a group of really great kids who have really made this past year special.
Not that they'll ever read this but..
Craig, Michael, Frankie, Juan, Willie, Arnold, Kirstine, and anyone else I may have missed.
You guys have made this year my favorite so far. I will miss you guys so much.
And of course Hashem.
Who has made me happier than I could ever imagine.
Who has kept me above water when i felt like drowning.
Who has taught me to accept myself.
Who I will miss more than anything.
Who I love more than anything.
I'm proud of you babe.


Congrats class of '09. Hamilton won't be the same without you.

ALRITEY.
enough of that.
They're not going to read this anyways, but at least they can't say i don't care :]
So tell me how a bee friggin' stung me in the eye.
It fucking hurt.
But it's dead now.
So I feel a little better.
I have an orthodontist appointment at 4, just so he can tell me that I have to wear my braces for 14 more years. >:|
I really should keep reading Atlas Shrugged. I'm on page like..60..and it looks like i havent even started the book :\
I'm done blabbing. I'm going to enjoy the weather while it's still around.


Embrace Life.
Embrace Love.
Peace.




R.I.P. Michael Jackson..my future husband when i was in elementary school.

Who is John Galt?

Listening to: The rain.
Feeling: ...

I just read over my last few posts.
And I'm noticing that these blogs aren't working.
It seems that each post is getting more and more negative.
And this post is no different.
I'll keep it short.
I need to clear my mind.
I've never felt this low in my entire life.
and alone.
I know i have friends.
but doesnt everyone have that one person that's just...always there?
All my friends do.
I thought I had one
But..where are they?
I need them.
I need him.
But..I just feel unworthy of anyone right now.
I fuck up too much.
I feel dead.
and nonexistent.
I need positivity in my life.
I want to be happy.
Where did my happiness go?


Embrace Life.
Embrace Love.
Peace.

Pieces

Listening to: Breathe Me - Sia
Feeling: completely beyond any feelings


I feel empty.
completely empty.
No feelings.
Emotions.
Love.
Hate.
Nothing.
But tears.
I hate my heart.
I hate that i care too much.
I hate that i put everyone else before me.
I wish i could just not care.
I wish good things could continuously happen in my life.
I wish i could think positively even after shit happens in my life.
I fucking wish I could just disappear for a while.
I wish i could channel my emotions.
Release them in a better way.
Right now I just don't know what to do.
I'm so close to giving up at this point that I'm in denial if I say i haven't given up.
I wish words didn't hurt so much.
I wish I didn't love so much.
It's a flaw.
In my opinion.
My heart is too big.
I love too easily.
and too much.
Would it be easier not to love at all?
Is it worth the potential pain? No matter what kind of love it is
between two friends
two lovers
two family members.
loving someone always leaves an opportunity for them to hurt you.
At least that's how it is for me.
It just fucking sucks.
I'm not going into details about why I feel this way so please don't ask.
I'm just...hollow.
I need to disappear for a while.


Embrace Life.
Embrace Love.
I can't do much of either.
Peace.

Rain

Listening to: Sackcloth in ashes- Small Leaks Sink Ships
Feeling: angry

Hello reader[s].
How has your week been so far?
Mine hasn't been awful. I can't say that i'm in the best mood at the moment.
So let's get started on my useless rambling, shall we?

Let me start by saying that i haven't had a bad week. Thinking in retrospct, I'd say this week has been one of my better ones so far.
Aside from my monthly visit from a friend coming on my one year anniversary of being with my boyfriend. [may 31st.]
NOT that you needed to know :]
Anyways.
I've been seeing lately that I'm getting angry for smaller and smaller things.
and I'm having a harder time containing my anger.
Though I'd say i'm not a bad person/girlfriend/friend, I'd say I have some very poor qualities in myself that make me question just how good a person/girlfriend/friend I am.
And I know those poor qualities are beginning to show themselves although I try my best to hide them.
I know no one's perfect, but I just dont want my flaws to damage/affect any relationship I have with anyone.
I honestly need to look into anger management classes. I'm a great hot mess.
next topic.
I'm not calling out anyone in paticular when I say this.
But i have a real pet peeve of people asking what's wrong.
I know i sound like a bitch, and I know I have no good reason for it to bother me.
But just, sometimes I feel that most people who ask if there's something wrong, already know theres something wrong; thats why they asked.
Now I know I'm guilty of asking the "whats wrong?" question, so please feel free to call my a hypocrite at any given point in time.
But most times, instead of asking whats wrong, I focus on trying to cheer them up.
My whole thing is, it's a little awkward when there is something wrong, you just dont feel comfortable talking to them about it [whether it be that they asked at an innapropriate time, or you just dont feel comfortable talking about it with them]. that's why a majority of people respond with "nothing, I'm fine." It's a way of backing out of an uncomfortable situation.
So with that, I focus on trying to make them smile, rather than getting to the root of the problem. If they want to tell me what's wrong, great, I'd be glad to help. But in the meantime, I just want to know that I can make someone in a better mood without even knowing what the problem is.

Well those are the main things I wanted to talk about.
Now some things that have nothing to do with anything.

I wish school were over already. It's unbelievebly hot in my room. I miss my boyfriend more than anything right now. I'm feeling incredibly lonely at the moment. I slept my entire evening away so now i'll be up until at least 1 in the morning. I want ice cream. I wish my air conditioner was just magically in my window right now. I wish my mother would stop stalling and just sign me up for dance classes already. I'm noticing I gained weight but I refuse to weigh myself; I'll just depress myself.

Good enough for now.
Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.


Embrace Life.
Embrace Love.
Peace.

Bi-Polar

Listening to: Richman - 3oh!3
Feeling: Achey

Hello fellow reader[s]
Nothing too big has happened since i last wrote, but a lot of little things have happened that have either made me happy or depressed.

And just an F.Y.I : I'm not trying to gain sympathy or pity from anyone. I'm just letting you know who I am and whats going on in my life. I won't cry if you stop reading, I promise. :P

Anyways.
I [finally] took my euro test. [complete fail]
Then i took off friday and stayed home. I realized how not fun it is to be home alone on a beautiful day.
I did absolutely nothing, except envy all the people who were out enjoying the weather.
It was a really depressing day.
My weekend was equally as uneventful.
I could have done homework.
But school has ended on May 4th. I'm just going to school cause its the law.
Well not law..but yeah.
Sunday night however, I finally got off my ass and hung out with a few friends. It was an odd group of people to hang out with, but it was fun nonetheless.
Monday it was fucking hot. I went to the memorial day parade followed by a huge cookout at my aunts house.
At first I didn't want to go. But my lord...so..much..food.
I won't even get into the details of how much food there was because I'm sure this blog has a character limit at some point.
Between those two events, I got to sit down with a friend that I miss incredibly. I mean, we only got to talk for 20 minutes, but I realized just how much they mean to me. We have this friendship that just doesnt exist anywhere else. It's pretty cool.
But anyways.
That brings us to today.
I was a bit bi-polar to be completely honest.
I came to school completely careless.
About school, work, anything that had to do with an education basically.
I didn't do any work, and I basically wasnt in class for most of the day.
During lunch, i found out that I made it into Comp & Lit [a college english course] and immediately I was ecstatic. However, I suddenly..crashed into this massive depression.
I wish i could explain it, but I can't.
I just suddenly was overwhelmed by life.
About how behind i was in a majority of my classes.
I was sitting in the library close to tears because I was ready to explode but knew I couldn't.
[I have a very tough time releasing negative emotions. That's why I have this.]
But of course that didn't last long.
I honestly pushed myself to be in a better mood when I saw my friends.
I hate being around them when I'm in a bad mood, I'm sure it makes them uncomfortable.
I mean..I'm trying, I really am.
But now I'm here. getting ready to do ALOT of catch up. I'm behind in math, english, bio, healthx354395810.
It's not cute.
So I guess that'll be all for now.
Thanks for listening to my useless ramble.



Embrace Life.
Embrace Love.
Peace.

Solitary Bird

Listening to: Nothing
Feeling: Indifferent

Hello Reader[s]
I'm back again. I'm trying to space these posts so people won't get too tired of reading them.
So I'll be covering alot that's been on my mind, so please bare with me.

First, tonight I went to the last band concert of the year.
I'll admit, I was a little sad to see my friends there that weren't going to be there next year.
I'll say, I'm blessed with the amount of friends that I have.
But with that, it just hurts more to see them go.
I don't think my friends understand just how much i love them all.
I have a big heart, and with that, I care for others very easily.
I doubt any of them will read this.
But I can only hope they know how much I appreciate them.
And how much I'll miss the seniors that are leaving.
Ahem..

Enough of that.

Next topic.
So I live with my mom.
Just me and her.
And many people think that we have this very friendly almost like sister sister relationship
which at times we do.
But most times, it really feels like I'm alone.
She spends her nights on the phone, talking to anyone for hours upon hours.
I stay locked up in my room seeking company from friends on aim.
sometimes we'll go the whole night without having more than 20 words spoken to each other.
She's not a bad mother, I'm not saying that.
I'm just wondering why our relationship turned out the way it did.
I'm sure it's my fault also. I do take some of the blame.
But I have to ask sometimes; why did my family life turn out like this?
Why do I envy my friends when they talk about their families, or when i go to their homes.
I feel a little outcasted because of it. But I try to ignore it. I try to feel like I'm no different than any of my friends.

On a lighter note, I'm beginning to strengthen old relationship with friends, while at the same time making new ones.
For the past year I've done a pretty bad job at balancing being a girlfriend and being a friend at the same time.
I was so excited and so involved with my relationship with my boyfriend that I kind of tucked away my relationships with my friends for a while.
I see how much I changed as a friend and I want to bring things back to how they were. I want to be a good friend and a good girlfriend too..It's not easy.
I want someone to get to know me right now in my life. Only because I feel like i'm the realest I've been in a long time. I feel like I've been trying too hard to be like this, and act like that. and I just want someone to know exactly who I am. Not many people know.

Alright..I feel a bit better rambling on about useless shit that's going on in my life.
But you know me and my fragile emotions.
One little touch and I just might break..

Embrace life.
Embrace love.
Peace.

Tweak

Listening to: Try Honesty - Billy Talent
Feeling: Relaxed


Hello [insert reader's name here]
I'm new to this. But i feel compelled to make one.
I could go through all the introductions as to who i am but anyone who reads this probably already knows.
I'll start off with something easy.
I just finished reading Tweak by Nic Sheff.
Probably the most amazing, real book I've ever read.
I've never felt so much emotion from one story. And the fact that it's a true story makes the emotions even more real.
I don't want to give it away because I honestly want everyone to read his story.
It's about his life as a drug addict.
Just to give you a heads up, 75% of the books I've read and will ever read are about drugs. Or at least anything that seems realistic. I'm not too into fantasy, or comedy, or romance.
But there's something about drugs, the hell, yet new life it brings to the user.
It's fascinating.
I sound like a drug addict.
Physically, I've never even seen a drug in my life.
But mentally, I'm addicted to it, if that makes any sense.
I'll read books on drugs, watch movies about it, but I'd never try it. I just know better.
But it's all too fascinating how terrible drugs are, but every book I've read that has a drug user in it, they've described it as the greatest feeling in the world. It's crazy how drugs bring darkness and light at the same time.
Not that i would know first hand.
So to end this, I encourage you to read this amazing memoir.

Enough of that.
Hopefully this blog will help my inability to handle emotions.
Or express them.
I don't really care if no one reads my blogs. It's just a way to be honest with myself, and with anyone who cares to read.
And with that, I'm hungry. Time to eat.

Embrace life.
Embrace love.
Peace.