Bi-Polar

Listening to: Richman - 3oh!3
Feeling: Achey

Hello fellow reader[s]
Nothing too big has happened since i last wrote, but a lot of little things have happened that have either made me happy or depressed.

And just an F.Y.I : I'm not trying to gain sympathy or pity from anyone. I'm just letting you know who I am and whats going on in my life. I won't cry if you stop reading, I promise. :P

Anyways.
I [finally] took my euro test. [complete fail]
Then i took off friday and stayed home. I realized how not fun it is to be home alone on a beautiful day.
I did absolutely nothing, except envy all the people who were out enjoying the weather.
It was a really depressing day.
My weekend was equally as uneventful.
I could have done homework.
But school has ended on May 4th. I'm just going to school cause its the law.
Well not law..but yeah.
Sunday night however, I finally got off my ass and hung out with a few friends. It was an odd group of people to hang out with, but it was fun nonetheless.
Monday it was fucking hot. I went to the memorial day parade followed by a huge cookout at my aunts house.
At first I didn't want to go. But my lord...so..much..food.
I won't even get into the details of how much food there was because I'm sure this blog has a character limit at some point.
Between those two events, I got to sit down with a friend that I miss incredibly. I mean, we only got to talk for 20 minutes, but I realized just how much they mean to me. We have this friendship that just doesnt exist anywhere else. It's pretty cool.
But anyways.
That brings us to today.
I was a bit bi-polar to be completely honest.
I came to school completely careless.
About school, work, anything that had to do with an education basically.
I didn't do any work, and I basically wasnt in class for most of the day.
During lunch, i found out that I made it into Comp & Lit [a college english course] and immediately I was ecstatic. However, I suddenly..crashed into this massive depression.
I wish i could explain it, but I can't.
I just suddenly was overwhelmed by life.
About how behind i was in a majority of my classes.
I was sitting in the library close to tears because I was ready to explode but knew I couldn't.
[I have a very tough time releasing negative emotions. That's why I have this.]
But of course that didn't last long.
I honestly pushed myself to be in a better mood when I saw my friends.
I hate being around them when I'm in a bad mood, I'm sure it makes them uncomfortable.
I mean..I'm trying, I really am.
But now I'm here. getting ready to do ALOT of catch up. I'm behind in math, english, bio, healthx354395810.
It's not cute.
So I guess that'll be all for now.
Thanks for listening to my useless ramble.



Embrace Life.
Embrace Love.
Peace.

Solitary Bird

Listening to: Nothing
Feeling: Indifferent

Hello Reader[s]
I'm back again. I'm trying to space these posts so people won't get too tired of reading them.
So I'll be covering alot that's been on my mind, so please bare with me.

First, tonight I went to the last band concert of the year.
I'll admit, I was a little sad to see my friends there that weren't going to be there next year.
I'll say, I'm blessed with the amount of friends that I have.
But with that, it just hurts more to see them go.
I don't think my friends understand just how much i love them all.
I have a big heart, and with that, I care for others very easily.
I doubt any of them will read this.
But I can only hope they know how much I appreciate them.
And how much I'll miss the seniors that are leaving.
Ahem..

Enough of that.

Next topic.
So I live with my mom.
Just me and her.
And many people think that we have this very friendly almost like sister sister relationship
which at times we do.
But most times, it really feels like I'm alone.
She spends her nights on the phone, talking to anyone for hours upon hours.
I stay locked up in my room seeking company from friends on aim.
sometimes we'll go the whole night without having more than 20 words spoken to each other.
She's not a bad mother, I'm not saying that.
I'm just wondering why our relationship turned out the way it did.
I'm sure it's my fault also. I do take some of the blame.
But I have to ask sometimes; why did my family life turn out like this?
Why do I envy my friends when they talk about their families, or when i go to their homes.
I feel a little outcasted because of it. But I try to ignore it. I try to feel like I'm no different than any of my friends.

On a lighter note, I'm beginning to strengthen old relationship with friends, while at the same time making new ones.
For the past year I've done a pretty bad job at balancing being a girlfriend and being a friend at the same time.
I was so excited and so involved with my relationship with my boyfriend that I kind of tucked away my relationships with my friends for a while.
I see how much I changed as a friend and I want to bring things back to how they were. I want to be a good friend and a good girlfriend too..It's not easy.
I want someone to get to know me right now in my life. Only because I feel like i'm the realest I've been in a long time. I feel like I've been trying too hard to be like this, and act like that. and I just want someone to know exactly who I am. Not many people know.

Alright..I feel a bit better rambling on about useless shit that's going on in my life.
But you know me and my fragile emotions.
One little touch and I just might break..

Embrace life.
Embrace love.
Peace.

Tweak

Listening to: Try Honesty - Billy Talent
Feeling: Relaxed


Hello [insert reader's name here]
I'm new to this. But i feel compelled to make one.
I could go through all the introductions as to who i am but anyone who reads this probably already knows.
I'll start off with something easy.
I just finished reading Tweak by Nic Sheff.
Probably the most amazing, real book I've ever read.
I've never felt so much emotion from one story. And the fact that it's a true story makes the emotions even more real.
I don't want to give it away because I honestly want everyone to read his story.
It's about his life as a drug addict.
Just to give you a heads up, 75% of the books I've read and will ever read are about drugs. Or at least anything that seems realistic. I'm not too into fantasy, or comedy, or romance.
But there's something about drugs, the hell, yet new life it brings to the user.
It's fascinating.
I sound like a drug addict.
Physically, I've never even seen a drug in my life.
But mentally, I'm addicted to it, if that makes any sense.
I'll read books on drugs, watch movies about it, but I'd never try it. I just know better.
But it's all too fascinating how terrible drugs are, but every book I've read that has a drug user in it, they've described it as the greatest feeling in the world. It's crazy how drugs bring darkness and light at the same time.
Not that i would know first hand.
So to end this, I encourage you to read this amazing memoir.

Enough of that.
Hopefully this blog will help my inability to handle emotions.
Or express them.
I don't really care if no one reads my blogs. It's just a way to be honest with myself, and with anyone who cares to read.
And with that, I'm hungry. Time to eat.

Embrace life.
Embrace love.
Peace.