Listening to: Envy on the Coast
Feeling: Apathetic
Hey you.
It's been a while.
The longer it takes me to post anything the better in my opinion.
Because usually when I have something to post, it's something negative about my oh so crappy life.
This post is sort of pointless. It's around 3 in the morning and I can't sleep.
I've got too many things on my mind.
You know when you make a mistake, you learn from it, and then you try your hardest not to make the same mistake twice.
I'm in that situation
Except my heart is involved
I'm very bad at handling emotions
When they're emotions I don't want, I try to push them way and for whatever reason it makes me push people away too. I don't know why. I'm deeply flawed when it comes to handling my heart.
I was doing so well too. My heart was chilling and I was chilling and starting to enjoy life. And then my heart had to go and ruin it all.
It's really whatever. I'm pushing away the emotions and living my life again.
I just want to be happy.
So I was rummaging around the internet and I found a really really really old site I used to use when I was into poetry and drawing. It's called fanart-central.net
If you want to find my account, search "CresentStar" [Shut up..I thought the name was cool at the time]
I've got a few sketches on that site and a bunch of poems. I love[d] writing poetry then..but I wasn't very good. I'll post one at the end of this post.
Spring break is almost over. Surprisingly, this break has been really long for me. Maybe because I've done nothing but work and stay at home. At least I got money.
This april should be pretty amazing. next wednesday is my birthday, two days later is a day to remember, two weeks after that is envy on the coast and a week after that is bamboozle! And I'm going to them all. I'm really excited. I want my life to be exciting. Things are so boring.
I'm jumping from topic to topic. When insomnia hits you, your brain isn't really there. I'm running off of energy that doesn't exist.
There's a pepto bismol bottle in my room. I don't know why, I hate pepto. It looks so deceiving. I feel like I'm going to take a gulp of tasty bubblegum flavor...bubblegum my ass. That shit taste like chalk. I must admit it works though. I haven't used it in years, which I guess is a good thing right?
I'm done talking. If I'm not going to sleep, I need to at least get away from the computer. It's poison.
Here's one poem I wrote in 2005:
Speak
I wanna hear your thoughts
feel your every move
i wanna know your anger when you've got sumthin to prove
i wanna feel your pain, n take it away
i wanna shed your tears when you've been betrayed
i wanna smile when your happy
cry when your sad
i want you to let go of the past that you once had
i want your soul to fly
and never shed a tear
i want you to love me
i wanna take away your fears
i wanna make you feel special
like your someone to treat
i wanna know how you feel
all you have to do is speak
Can you believe I typed like that?
Christ, No capitalization, punctuation failures, spelling errors. I guess Hamilton has taught me a thing or two.
Embrace life.
Embrace love.
Peace.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Okay you're a goon but what's a goon to a goblin?
Listening to: Nothing
Feeling: Hungry
Hello readers.
Long time no talk.
I really haven't had any reason to blog lately. Which I would say is a good thing since everytime I blog it's about something depressing.
I don't realy have anything useful to say in this post either.
I guess I'll just update you on what's been going on since I last posted..
Let's see...
It's 2010..how about that.
uhhm..I finally got a new phone..
Hmmm...that's pretty much it.
My life is as boring as ever.
But I'm not complaining.
I'm really happy with the way things are going in my life.
I feel mentally stable, it feels good.
I also see myself acting more of who I am..if that makes sense.
I'm no longer doing what everyone else expects me to do, you know? Like Everyone expects me to hang out with my friends all the time. And please don't get me wrong, I love them to death, and I love being around them. But to be honest, I'm not really too close with all of them. And I know a majority of them are going to read this, and they honestly can't deny it. Yes we have fun together, yes we love each other. But I can't say i can talk to every single one of them about my life and my feelings.
Nor have I ever done so for that matter. And it's not their fault that I'm not emotionally close to all of them. Nor is it mine. Sometimes you have friends that you strictly have fun with. And you have those friends who you tell everything too. I love them both the same.
Speaking of love...lets talk about my love life.
....
Okay next topic.
Lets talk about my LACK of a love life.
I don't really mind being single. But it's boring when you're not really attracted to anyone at school. And if you are attracted to them, they're either taken, not in the same state, or just too..out there...or not there..if you know what I mean.
Flirting is fun when you find someone to flirt with. I'm not very good at flirting anyway.
Overall, things are going well. My mind has really been on college and junk. I know I have another year but look..we're already done with the first month of the year. Jesus, I remember watching the ball drop. Time's flying by just as fast as I want it to.
Lately, I've just been letting things...flow. I'm not forcing anything, or hoping for anything. I'm just going with the flow. Making the most of everyday, cause I've wasted too much of my life being depressed and I'm trying my hardest to make up for it.
T-minus 5 days until the sleeping concert :D
Embrace Life.
Embrace Love.
Peace.
Feeling: Hungry
Hello readers.
Long time no talk.
I really haven't had any reason to blog lately. Which I would say is a good thing since everytime I blog it's about something depressing.
I don't realy have anything useful to say in this post either.
I guess I'll just update you on what's been going on since I last posted..
Let's see...
It's 2010..how about that.
uhhm..I finally got a new phone..
Hmmm...that's pretty much it.
My life is as boring as ever.
But I'm not complaining.
I'm really happy with the way things are going in my life.
I feel mentally stable, it feels good.
I also see myself acting more of who I am..if that makes sense.
I'm no longer doing what everyone else expects me to do, you know? Like Everyone expects me to hang out with my friends all the time. And please don't get me wrong, I love them to death, and I love being around them. But to be honest, I'm not really too close with all of them. And I know a majority of them are going to read this, and they honestly can't deny it. Yes we have fun together, yes we love each other. But I can't say i can talk to every single one of them about my life and my feelings.
Nor have I ever done so for that matter. And it's not their fault that I'm not emotionally close to all of them. Nor is it mine. Sometimes you have friends that you strictly have fun with. And you have those friends who you tell everything too. I love them both the same.
Speaking of love...lets talk about my love life.
....
Okay next topic.
Lets talk about my LACK of a love life.
I don't really mind being single. But it's boring when you're not really attracted to anyone at school. And if you are attracted to them, they're either taken, not in the same state, or just too..out there...or not there..if you know what I mean.
Flirting is fun when you find someone to flirt with. I'm not very good at flirting anyway.
Overall, things are going well. My mind has really been on college and junk. I know I have another year but look..we're already done with the first month of the year. Jesus, I remember watching the ball drop. Time's flying by just as fast as I want it to.
Lately, I've just been letting things...flow. I'm not forcing anything, or hoping for anything. I'm just going with the flow. Making the most of everyday, cause I've wasted too much of my life being depressed and I'm trying my hardest to make up for it.
T-minus 5 days until the sleeping concert :D
Embrace Life.
Embrace Love.
Peace.
Friday, November 27, 2009
A change of heart
Listening to: The General - Dispatch
Feeling: Happy
Hello all!
I have alot to talk about..well maybe not alot..but what I do have to say is really important.
I'll start by saying that I've changed drastically since i last posted anything on here. I mean that in a positive way too.
Things have been really looking up recently.
I've just been in a happy mood all the time; thinking positively; putting on a smile more often; not letting other people effect me.
And most importantly, I've finally accepted being single. I'm over him, and I can finally look at him as just a friend and not "the guy who stole my heart".
It's an awesome feeling.
To not have to have someone be on your mind 24/7 in order to be happy.
I'm finally the source of my own happiness.
It feels good to finally know what happiness feels like...and to know that it's actually out there.
I'm also starting to see more in myself.
I see how much I've grown
How strong I actually am.
I'm not sure how all of this happened, or how long it's going to last. But boy, I hope it lasts.
Just reading over my older posts is just fascinating how I just dont view life like that anymore.
Anyways, I'm done talking.
Now that I feel mentally stable [for now]
I need to be there for someone very close to me to help them through their tough time.
Being unhappy is just like coughing.
Hope everyone had a good thanksgiving.
Embrace Life
Embrace Love
Peace.
Feeling: Happy
Hello all!
I have alot to talk about..well maybe not alot..but what I do have to say is really important.
I'll start by saying that I've changed drastically since i last posted anything on here. I mean that in a positive way too.
Things have been really looking up recently.
I've just been in a happy mood all the time; thinking positively; putting on a smile more often; not letting other people effect me.
And most importantly, I've finally accepted being single. I'm over him, and I can finally look at him as just a friend and not "the guy who stole my heart".
It's an awesome feeling.
To not have to have someone be on your mind 24/7 in order to be happy.
I'm finally the source of my own happiness.
It feels good to finally know what happiness feels like...and to know that it's actually out there.
I'm also starting to see more in myself.
I see how much I've grown
How strong I actually am.
I'm not sure how all of this happened, or how long it's going to last. But boy, I hope it lasts.
Just reading over my older posts is just fascinating how I just dont view life like that anymore.
Anyways, I'm done talking.
Now that I feel mentally stable [for now]
I need to be there for someone very close to me to help them through their tough time.
Being unhappy is just like coughing.
Hope everyone had a good thanksgiving.
Embrace Life
Embrace Love
Peace.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
100C0
One hundred people are in the room.
She sits in the middle
Around the world.
Within herself
She cries,
She laughs,
She screams,
For you.
Whomever you may be.
She's calling
Because there's one hundred people in the room.
And she has counted them all.
She holds her hand out
But not one hand grasps her own.
She pulls back,
Within herself,
She whispers,
She sings,
She hopes,
For you.
Whomever you may be.
She's looking
Because there's one hundred people in the room.
And she's searching
Within herself
For you.
Whomever you may be.
Because there's one hundred people in the room.
But she sees none.
Embrace Life.
Embrace Love.
Peace.
She sits in the middle
Around the world.
Within herself
She cries,
She laughs,
She screams,
For you.
Whomever you may be.
She's calling
Because there's one hundred people in the room.
And she has counted them all.
She holds her hand out
But not one hand grasps her own.
She pulls back,
Within herself,
She whispers,
She sings,
She hopes,
For you.
Whomever you may be.
She's looking
Because there's one hundred people in the room.
And she's searching
Within herself
For you.
Whomever you may be.
Because there's one hundred people in the room.
But she sees none.
Embrace Life.
Embrace Love.
Peace.
Monday, September 28, 2009
We Are Golden
Listening to: We are Golden - Mika
Feeling: accomplished
Hello Chickadees. Howdydoo?
I'm pretty good, just finished my history essay.
So I'm rewarding myself with a new blog post [yay]
Nothing depressing to say in this one.
Actually i'm not going to be writing much of a story or anything.
just a list of the 25 things i think you should know about me.
Since it is my blog, i feel like talking about myself :P
25. I eat massive amounts of food with no shame, but surprisingly, I'm an extremely picky eater.
24. I'm 5'3 and I'm okay with that.
23. I like meeting new people though I try to deny it.
22. I like being close to others, but i have trouble doing so.
21. I'm probably the least girliest girl you'll ever meet.
20. No, I've never done drugs, nor do I ever plan on doing drugs. I honestly just have a fascination with them.
19. I'm slowly accepting the way I look.
18. The only thing I'm confident in doing is dancing.
17. I have an unhealthy obsession with Linkin park. No one loves them like I do, i can promise that.
16. I love when people trust me, it makes me feel better about myself.
15. I love being drawn on, it's soothing.
14. A good friend of mine says I can see the beauty in songs so much that it brings tears to my eyes every time...he's right.
13. I love math.
12. I hate partly-erased chalkboards.
11. The only time I'm able to express my feelings is when I'm dancing.
10. I get emotionally attached extremely easily...it's a flaw.
09. I have a big heart..And as much as I'd like to deny it, I love really easily.
08. I have trouble sleeping every night.
07. I used to play the violin...I was pretty amazing at it too.
06. I'm a hypcorite..just like the rest of the world.
05. I'm not politically active, so don't ask me about anything having to do with politics.
04. I can relate to people extremely easily..simply because I've been through a lot.
03. I'm extremely stubborn.
02. I'm extremely hard on myself all the time.
01. I hate being at home a lot of the time.
00. I will never judge you...ever..no matter who you are, where you've been, or what you've done..chances are, I've been there, and done that.
Well folks.
Thats about all the important stuff you need to know about me.
But I'll probably have another one of these sometime soon when I'm as bored as I am now. :]
Farewell for now.
Embrace Life.
Embrace Love.
Peace.
Feeling: accomplished
Hello Chickadees. Howdydoo?
I'm pretty good, just finished my history essay.
So I'm rewarding myself with a new blog post [yay]
Nothing depressing to say in this one.
Actually i'm not going to be writing much of a story or anything.
just a list of the 25 things i think you should know about me.
Since it is my blog, i feel like talking about myself :P
25. I eat massive amounts of food with no shame, but surprisingly, I'm an extremely picky eater.
24. I'm 5'3 and I'm okay with that.
23. I like meeting new people though I try to deny it.
22. I like being close to others, but i have trouble doing so.
21. I'm probably the least girliest girl you'll ever meet.
20. No, I've never done drugs, nor do I ever plan on doing drugs. I honestly just have a fascination with them.
19. I'm slowly accepting the way I look.
18. The only thing I'm confident in doing is dancing.
17. I have an unhealthy obsession with Linkin park. No one loves them like I do, i can promise that.
16. I love when people trust me, it makes me feel better about myself.
15. I love being drawn on, it's soothing.
14. A good friend of mine says I can see the beauty in songs so much that it brings tears to my eyes every time...he's right.
13. I love math.
12. I hate partly-erased chalkboards.
11. The only time I'm able to express my feelings is when I'm dancing.
10. I get emotionally attached extremely easily...it's a flaw.
09. I have a big heart..And as much as I'd like to deny it, I love really easily.
08. I have trouble sleeping every night.
07. I used to play the violin...I was pretty amazing at it too.
06. I'm a hypcorite..just like the rest of the world.
05. I'm not politically active, so don't ask me about anything having to do with politics.
04. I can relate to people extremely easily..simply because I've been through a lot.
03. I'm extremely stubborn.
02. I'm extremely hard on myself all the time.
01. I hate being at home a lot of the time.
00. I will never judge you...ever..no matter who you are, where you've been, or what you've done..chances are, I've been there, and done that.
Well folks.
Thats about all the important stuff you need to know about me.
But I'll probably have another one of these sometime soon when I'm as bored as I am now. :]
Farewell for now.
Embrace Life.
Embrace Love.
Peace.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Why do all good things come to an end?
Listening to: Inevitable - Anberlin
Feeling: lost
Hey.
Long time no talk.
I haven't had any real reason to blog for a while, so I haven't.
But today..
Today is different.
September 1st.
Me and my boyfriend broke up.
it was a decision we both [sorta] agreed on.
A part inside me knows it was the right decision since he's off to college now. in a different state.
The other part is fighting my decision. Forcing me to think of all the memories we've shared. How he makes me feel when he's here..how he makes me feel when he's not here..
I hate this internal battle.
I've never felt so alone in my life to be honest.
But its so weird.
Because when i look around me..everything seems a bit more beautiful..a bit more...alive..but I feel like I'm not a part of it..the beauty..and it makes me sad.
I'm beginning to realize everything I have in my life..the friends..the love..how much i really mean to them..it makes me sad to be around them..I want to share their happiness..i don't want to pretend around them.
Everything makes me sad..even the beautiful things bring sorrow. I don't understand..I may sound over dramatic..but this is how i feel.
I don't like how I'm handling this. periodically I'll suddenly get a reassuring feeling that I'll be just fine..I have a new found freedom that I didn't have for the past 15 months. But for the most part..I feel like I've made a mistake..that I should have fought the decision. Make him believe that our love is bigger than the distance that we're apart. But it's already done. I can't take it back. And i'm sure he wanted this. If it makes him happy..
I'll get over this..I have no choice. I knew this day would come..but i believed i could be stronger than this.
I've never felt so weak..so dependent. I hate it..
I can only move forward..if my heart allows me to.
Embrace life.
Embrace love.
Peace.
Feeling: lost
Hey.
Long time no talk.
I haven't had any real reason to blog for a while, so I haven't.
But today..
Today is different.
September 1st.
Me and my boyfriend broke up.
it was a decision we both [sorta] agreed on.
A part inside me knows it was the right decision since he's off to college now. in a different state.
The other part is fighting my decision. Forcing me to think of all the memories we've shared. How he makes me feel when he's here..how he makes me feel when he's not here..
I hate this internal battle.
I've never felt so alone in my life to be honest.
But its so weird.
Because when i look around me..everything seems a bit more beautiful..a bit more...alive..but I feel like I'm not a part of it..the beauty..and it makes me sad.
I'm beginning to realize everything I have in my life..the friends..the love..how much i really mean to them..it makes me sad to be around them..I want to share their happiness..i don't want to pretend around them.
Everything makes me sad..even the beautiful things bring sorrow. I don't understand..I may sound over dramatic..but this is how i feel.
I don't like how I'm handling this. periodically I'll suddenly get a reassuring feeling that I'll be just fine..I have a new found freedom that I didn't have for the past 15 months. But for the most part..I feel like I've made a mistake..that I should have fought the decision. Make him believe that our love is bigger than the distance that we're apart. But it's already done. I can't take it back. And i'm sure he wanted this. If it makes him happy..
I'll get over this..I have no choice. I knew this day would come..but i believed i could be stronger than this.
I've never felt so weak..so dependent. I hate it..
I can only move forward..if my heart allows me to.
Embrace life.
Embrace love.
Peace.
Monday, August 24, 2009
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